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In correlation with the comparison between the way, that most conflicts are settled and the way spilled ketchup settles into carpet. An unclean carpet can triple in weight within a couple of years, and most relationships get so laden with undigested arguments that they collapse into a somber, angry stupor and cease to move toward their original goal. For the most part to merely resolve issues in the usual manner is as damaging to a relationship as not resolving it at all, because the gap is not truly bridged and the unsuccessful attempt merely adds more weight to the couples doubt?s about each other. Looking at this it is no wonder arguments create more problems than solved. The next important point is that the way discussions are carried out defines the quality of the couple?s relationship. How an argument happens is more important than the outcome that emerges. The process is literally more important than the product. In order to be able to contrast the main features of productive and destructive conflict we have the seven ?magic rules for ruining any discussion? that we all have probably used at one time or the other. They are bringing the matter up when at least one of you is angry, being as personal as possible when setting forth the problem, concentrating on getting what you want, instead of listening thinking only of what you will say next, Correcting anything your partner says about you, mentioning anything from the past that has a chance of making your partner defensive and ending by saying that will never be forgotten. For an issue to be resolved it must be passed through the five stages of preparing an argument. First, it must be thought of by at least one of the partners as an issue. Second, a moment is chosen to bring the matter up. Third, a decision is made as to the manner in which it will be presented. Fourth, there is an exchange of thoughts and feelings. And fifth, the discussion is concluded. You must become more conscious of the subjects you bring up so carelessly. Any sign of fear over what you are about to say is a very useful indicator. If you see you have a question about whether to say it, let this be your cue to break these preliminary choices into conscious steps. Remember instead how strongly you want to begin building a real friendship and do not begrudge the time.

Most people are obsessed with identifying the culprit who is responsible for a dispute. However, determining who is at fault is an impossible task. This process requires that identifying who and what sets you off, understand the causes and origins of your entrenched patterns, and work through your discomfort until you are willing to accept greater responsibility for your troubles. You not taking responsibility by accepting blame yourself instead of blaming the other person. There is a tendency to sidestep responsibility for what has happened before and what continues to take place in the conflicted relationship. Constructing a list of excuses, preferably as long as possible, is part of the strategy for avoiding responsibility and being let off the hook. To deny your share of responsibility in any conflict us clearly a distortion of reality. As with any self-respecting mechanism, blaming others for misdeeds allows you to maintain a positive self-image in light of attacks perceived as threatening. While trying to explain one’s action by appealing to some greater good is not the same as denying one’s responsibility for creating a conflict. Another means by which to disown responsibility is to focus on the issue of intentionally: you may have done it, but you did not mean to. To imply that you were coerced into acting this way simply put you had no choice; you were forced to do it is a third possible response. However, each of these denials will only be employed when responsibility can be proven. The first choice is to always deny that you had anything to do with the situation in the first place. To blame others is counterproductive, but can be just as destructive as blaming you. Instead of dwelling on who is at fault your time would be better spent accepting responsibility for overcoming the problem and taking charge and working through it.

On the other hand, transcendent discourse suspends or condemnation blaming, aims at probing rather than persuading, and is designed to compare and critique rather than to win. One important feature of transcendent discourse is that, when applied to stubborn moral conflicts, it is not designed to resolve the issues but to humanize the ways in which they are engaged. Eloquence is the representation of the highest form of expression within the frame of rules adopted by society. Transcendent eloquence has five general characteristics; it is (1) philosophical, (2) comparative, (3) dialogic, (4) critical, and (5) transformative. Communicating in this manner is philosophical in that it surfaces and deals with basic assumptions. It is comparative in that it tries to find ways to compare what look like mutually exclusive systems or options. The fact that its purpose its to explore rather than convince or persuade means it dialogic. Transcendent eloquence?s fourth characteristic is that it is critical, which means that it exposes the powers and limits of each side in a controversy. And the final feature is that it is transformative, which is to say that it reconstructs the context in which the conflict is to be understood. This alters the container in which communication happens.

However, understanding that transcendent behavior is not a method for resolving moral conflicts, thinking they are neutral ground without values, blindly realistic and not a remedy for all situations. Transcendent discourse is worthy of

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